THE DOCTOR IS IN

If you will be in the Raleigh, NC area next weekend, please stop by Borders, 8825 N. Six Forks Road, at 1PM, when I will read from my book, Getting Unstuck without Coming Unglued: A Woman's Guide to Unblocking Creativity.

Dear Dr. Sue,

My first husband was crazy (my unprofessional diagnosis is that he was/is paranoid schizophrenic) and emotionally abusive. He doesn’t know my new married name, but even so I still have a residual fear of him over thirty years later. One of my fears of publishing success—discovered doing one of the exercises in your wonderful book, by the way—is that he will appear...at a reading or a signing, for example. How can I come to terms with my fear? I don’t really think he would do me harm, in fact, although that’s a scary unknown. I imagine he’s homeless, living on the street, and part of my dread has to do with my own happiness and success contrasted with the life his illness has likely carved.

Sincerely,

Scared

Dear Scared,

Fears that our readings will be invaded by figures from other parts of our lives are more common among writers than you might imagine. Not everyone has a mentally ill ex-spouse in the background, but some writers worry that angry ex-lovers or resentful rivals will show up for the purpose of rattling or humiliating them; others that an alcoholic or narcissistic family member will grab the spotlight in an ugly or painful way. A friend is haunted by the idea that an ex-employee who threatened to kill him will hunt him down at a reading and make good on his threat.

I think these fears attach themselves to readings and signings in particular because these events underscore our vulnerability at a time when we feel obligated to present an organized and composed public face. Often, we feel solely responsible for the experience of our audience, some of whom may be devoted fans who have traveled a long way to meet us. It makes sense that a person who symbolizes loss of control to us would cause us particular worry at these times.

Of course, the issue you raise is larger than just the fear that he will disrupt a reading. As you suggest, success brings with it increased visibility and, consequently, vulnerability.

I’m going to suggest something that may sound outrageous: Turn the tables proactively and track down your ex-husband. You don’t have to interact with him or let him know you’re looking for him. If Internet search engines don’t yield useful information, a private detective might be a good investment. You may learn that with the right therapy and medication, he has turned his life around. If he is, indeed, homeless and destitute, you may be able to help him, anonymously, thus assuaging some of the pain you can imagine feeling for him. Simply knowing something about his real-life situation may help ground your imagination, making the situation feel less threatening.

I don’t suggest this lightly. The possibility exists that even this distant contact will spark a difficult emotional reaction in you. In addition, despite precautions, he could learn that you have been making inquiries, and there could be repercussions. You are the only one who can say whether this would be a safe or productive course of action. However, if this fear could hold you back from achieving the success you deserve, you also deserve to take measures that could lay it to rest.

Whether or not you take this suggestion, try imagining and writing about an encounter with your ex at a reading. Portray him in as negative and frightening a light as possible. How would you handle his appearance? How would it play out? You may wish to explore several different approaches, each with its own script and denouement. The purpose is to work the scenario out imaginatively so that it loses some of its charge, and helps you to feel better prepared for the unlikely event of his surprising you in real life.

Susan O'Doherty, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist with a New York City-based practice. A fiction writer herself, she specializes in issues affecting writers and other creative artists. Her book,  Getting Unstuck Without Coming Unglued: A Woman's Guide to Unblocking Creativity, is now available in bookstores. Send your questions to her at Dr.Sue at mindspring dot com.

Comments

[Cindy Wathen]

What an excellent and overlooked subject for discussion!

I would briefly add one more dimension to the topic: authors who write books on controversial subjects.

I'm the co-author of REMEMBERING CESAR: THE LEGACY OF CESAR CHAVEZ. This is a hot-button subject, so I have had some scary encounters at booksignings and other public events.

It doesn't stop me from writing about social change, but it does tell me that I need to take precautions at public events so as to better ensure my personal safety.

This might be something for other authors to consider.

~C

[Dr.Sue]

Cindy, thanks for bringing that up. When two other writers and I organized a benefit reading last fall that brought together writers with ties to Israel and Palestine, at a very volatile moment, safety was a real concern, too, though fortunately it turned out to be a peaceful event. I've gotten angry emails from men who don't like that I've "excluded" men from my book, and though none of them sound mad enough to come and hunt me down, it has occurred to me that this is a possibility--you'd have to be fairly disturbed to read my book that way.

I wonder if you'd mind sharing the precautions you take? I'm sure other writers grapple with this issue as well.

[Cindy Wathen]

Sure. It's pretty simple. I almost make sure to bring someone with me to these events who is aware of the possibilities. For me, that's my husband. He's witnessed some of the tension first hand, so I always know he's aware of our surroundings.

Also, when public speaking events come up, I do assess them for their potential volatility.

Finally, I listen to my instincts. If I sense some danger, I trust it. I make efforts to de-escalate the circumstances or shift things to a safer surround.

I guess it isn't any different from what most women do when they feel vulnerable. Hopefully, they take measures to protect their personal safety.

~C

[Cindy Wathen]

Oops. That's "always" instead of "almost." Moving a little quickly today.

~C

[Katharine Weber]

Fascinating topic.

I have had certain people with whom I have had online interaction (contentious email in some cases, and online forum interaction in a few others)attend readings. The cntentious emailers (this had to do with Irish politics in my second novel) did in fact identify themselves, but it made me uneasy that they were there, knowing the tone and hostility they brought into the room. I have also experienced online forum members who "know" me never identifying themselves at all. They have then posted sneering and triumphant reports about the event (I even asked her a question! She had no idea who I was! ha ha ha!) in a way that certainly felt mildly creepy and stalkerish.

I want to say, too, that I do hope your readers will make the important distinction that you are not advising people to get back in touch with an ex who is big trouble. A certain amount of information could be reassuring, but stirring up silt from the bottom of the pond, so to speak, is rarely desirable.

[Dr.Sue]

Cindy, thanks. That's helpful.

And, Katharine, thank you for underscoring that clarification. I was definitely not suggesting any contact with an abusive ex--just the possibility of garnering enough information to drain some of the anxiety.

Thanks for letting us know about the odd forum participants, too--that's a form of quasi-stalking I hadn't heard about before. It's not surprising that you found the experience creepy!