Buzz, Balls & Hype : The Doctor is In

Friday + Dr. Sue = Writer's Therapy

I occasionally give workshops and seminars in my Brooklyn Heights office on topics of interest to writers. If you would like to be notified about upcoming events, email me at Dr.Sue at mindspring dot com.- SD

Dear Dr.Sue,
When people tell me they love my work, I always assume they are just being kind and that they don't really mean it and I instantly get embarrassed and try to quickly change the conversation. What IS my problem and how can I get over it? How can I believe compliments?
Wants to Change

Dear Wants:

In my practice, I have come across two common historical reasons for difficulty in accepting compliments. The first affects sensitive people in a broad spectrum of vocations; the second pertains specifically to writers and other creative artists.

Young children love to compare possessions, skills, and personal attributes, especially when they come out on top. “My bike is the biggest!” “Don’t I look beautiful today?” and “Bet I can beat you!” are all considered sophisticated repartee among the five-to-eight-year-old set.

As part of the process of civilization, adults try to discourage this talk, characterizing it as “bragging” or “fishing for compliments.” Depending on the attitude conveyed, the child can come away with a realistic sense of the limits of others’ interest in her goodies—or with an abiding feeling of shame about her advantages or her justified pride in doing something well. This makes it difficult to even hear compliments, much less respond to them.

For creative artists, the problem can often be traced to uneasiness about the participation of others in what is, essentially, a solitary process. We spend months, even years, living in our own heads, creating and populating entire worlds, masterminding interpersonal conflicts and dramatic resolutions. We come to feel we own exclusive rights to these worlds, even after they are published, and we experience even the most positive and supportive comments as unwelcome intrusions. It is as though an acquaintance had popped into your bedroom and made an appreciative comment about your sex life—no matter how kindly and flattering, it is not what you want to hear.

In addition, we seldom experience others’ critiques of our work as accurate. After we have inhabited our work this way, sweating over the meaning of every word, reordering events, killing off the living and bringing the dead back to life repeatedly until we are, not satisfied, but finished in some essential way, anything an outsider says about it is bound to seem “off,” to miss a crucial point or nuance, and we can’t help reacting to that.

Since you refer only to your reaction to others’ complimenting your work, I will assume that this is your sole, or primary, concern. Try to think of your admirer’s experience in a way that separates it from yours. The book she read is not the book you wrote. Rather, you created something akin to an interactive computer program to which she contributed her own ideas and experiences, to form a new work of art—one that you deserve credit for, but that is no longer entirely your product. By complimenting your work, she is thanking you for giving her this gift. You deserve to be thanked, and she deserves your acknowledgment of her appreciation. If you can keep this in mind, your awkward feelings may diminish.

If this doesn’t work, you may wish to ask yourself whether shame is interfering with your ability to enjoy others’ admiration. If this is the case, think about your own motivations in complimenting others. Do you often make up flattering lies about their work just to be “kind”? If not, why do you say positive things—possibly because a book moved or affected you, and you want to express this to the author?

Think of your favorite book. Imagine that you have the opportunity to tell the author how much this book has meant to you. How do you hope the writer would react? With embarrassment and distrust, and by changing the subject, or with pleasure and gratitude?

Practice responding the way you would want your favorite writer to respond. Role-play with a trusted friend, if necessary. Keep at it until you feel comfortable thanking your admirer and are able to feel some pleasure in the compliment. This may never feel entirely natural, but it should get easier. Keep practicing, and you may even find yourself enjoying the process.

Susan O’Doherty, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist with a New York City-based practice. A fiction writer herself, she specializes in issues affecting writers. Send your questions to her at Dr.Sue at mindspring dot com.

Buzz, Balls & Hype

Because there are over 750,000 self-pubbed and 250,000 books published a year and they won't all get reviews in the NYTBR. Authored by M.J. Rose

June 02, 2006

The Doctor is In

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