THE DOCTOR IS IN

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FEAR ITSELF

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Recently, an ex-writer friend (that is, a current friend who used to make her living writing nonfiction books) told me that the one part of her writing career she had consistently loathed was the obligation to promote her books. “I would panic,” she said, when faced with a reading or radio interview. “I’d choke up, grow short of breath, my face would flush, and I’d be afraid I was going to pass out.”

Eventually, for a number of reasons, she stopped writing books and trained for another career. Ironically, and unexpectedly, her second career thrust her even more prominently into the spotlight. This time, her livelihood depended on her ability to present her points calmly and clearly. She visited a psychiatrist, who prescribed beta blockers.

“They didn’t make me any less anxious,” she said. What they did was contain the external symptoms of anxiety—the flushing, choking and gasping. “I was still terrified, but after a while I was able to stop worrying that I’d have a panic attack during a presentation. I could read a speech and my voice wouldn’t shake.” Eventually, as she came to trust that she would not exhibit the feared symptoms, her anxiety about public speaking subsided, though it never left her entirely.

The studies Seinfeld refers to are real, though the conclusion he draws is dubious. It isn’t that that most of us would rather die than address a group; just that we tend to worry more about public humiliation—a possibility most of us face more regularly than that of death. We may not risk our lives every day or even once a year, but we do get numerous chances to court the possibility that we will go blank, stumble over our words, make a transparent, embarrassing slip, or even throw up or pass out in front of a judgmental crowd.

The first time I read one of my stories in public, I did everything “right”—I practiced repeatedly, in front of my family, friends, and, when they were not available, my cat. I attended other readings in the series to get a feel for the setting and the likely audience. I practiced deep breathing and self-hypnosis exercises for relaxation and focus. Yet I was distracted throughout my reading by the conviction that the microphone was picking up the knocking of my knees under the podium and projecting this bizarre sound throughout the room.

Over the years I have become more comfortable reading, to the point where most of the time my performance jitters are of the “good,” motivating kind, not the crippling variety. But the first time I had to present a song in my new voice class, I desperately wished I had invested in some beta blockers.

I had no objective reason to be frightened, and I knew this. The other students are friendly and supportive, and the focus of the class is on incremental improvement, not polish and perfection. Even if the atmosphere had been cutthroat, it was unlikely that I would be stoned or shot for missing a note or two. Yet I could not respond naturally to the accompanist’s friendly banter. I couldn’t figure out where to put my hands as I sang. And I felt that my voice was coming out thin and shaky, because of the need to force it past the knot in my throat.

Since then, I have made a point to ask other, seemingly more confident students how they managed to achieve their poise: Have they always just known they have beautiful voices?  Is performance anxiety simply not an issue for them?

The responses range from, “You couldn’t tell how nervous I was?” to “You should have seen me two years ago, when I first started this class!” One classmate told me that for his first three months in the class, before the teacher put her foot down, the only way he could sing was to raise the music stand high enough to block his face from the audience. Another had hesitated for three years to bring in his favorite song because “I knew I would freeze up and not be able to convey the emotion.” (He sang it last night, and it was stunning.)

There are many theories about why performance anxiety is so prevalent and debilitating. One common one is that our ancestors’ perceived value to the tribe determined their place in the pecking order, and thus their share (if any) of food and warmth. For them, losing face or showing weakness actually could be fatal.

Not for us, though, which is why it’s safe to keep plugging at it until it becomes habitual, until our unconscious is satisfied that our survival does not depend on presenting a perfect, invulnerable façade. So I keep going back, exhibiting my weak points and garnering praise, support and help. My public voice is growing stronger, and I’m having fun. May it be the same for all of you.

Susan O'Doherty, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist with a New York City-based practice. A fiction writer herself, she specializes in issues affecting writers and other creative artists. Her book,  Getting Unstuck Without Coming Unglued: A Woman's Guide to Unblocking Creativity (Seal, 2007) is now available in bookstores. Send your questions to her at Dr.Sue at mindspring dot com.

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[Stephen D. Rogers]

Interesting point. I write a lot of mysteries, and while I have no trouble writing about events leading up to the murder, the crime itself, and the aftermath, I used to flinch when writing the scene where the killer was unveiled.

Yes, the person killed someone to cover up an earlier crime, but to be publicly accused ... how embarassing.

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