THE DOCTOR IS IN

Dear Dr. Sue:

On June 5 of this year, I quit my day job as a network administrator/IT tech support to pursue "working with words" and shift from a job-to-make-money to doing something I love and that involves some form of creative expression (if not now, when?). I have also been giving online/phone ESL lessons to business professionals in France and other parts of Europe to eke out a living while I transition to this new life. So now, I teach for up to six hours each day (Monday-Friday) and then I piddle around the house or the Internet or the local Borders looking for inspiration to get me started on my writing career.

I think my main problem is thinking that whatever I choose to write, it has to be the right thing to write. I have a number of ideas bouncing around my skull but have yet to start any them. I think I’m also suffering from fear of success. Not necessarily huge, popular, Oprah’s-Book-Club success, but just plain old getting published success. Whether good or bad, change is hard. Further, I have been so out of touch with my creative side since becoming a mother (13 years ago) and working to support us on my own that the thought of going to all these emotionally charged places that I envision I’d need to go to in order to really write something good seems overwhelming. I’ve tried a number of exercises to get the proverbial creative juices flowing, but so far, to no avail.

I read writing blogs and search for paid writing opportunities, thinking that maybe focusing on "business" writing is the way to earn some money and experience. But then I realize that I have no desire whatsoever to do that type of writing. “Write about what you know” keeps resurfacing for me and when I think about the myriad topics from which I could choose after living in this world for 43 years, I am once again, overwhelmed. Any help would be most appreciated.

June

Dear June:

After 13 years of pressing your nose against the glass, you're now let loose in the candy store--but with the caveat that you may choose only one piece, and it must be the right piece--the one that is not only satisfying and filling, but that contains a solid-gold center.  If you weren't at least somewhat frightened and confused, I would wonder what you weren't telling me.

I would recommend taking the following steps to ease the pressure you're feeling.

First, divorce your writing ambitions from your need to support yourself and your child, at least for now. Even the best and most accomplished writers often can't survive without "day jobs." Especially when you're starting out, you need the luxury of writing what you want and need to write, without regard to the market. Some writers find that "business writing" jobs stimulate their creativity; others find that it sucks all of their best words and leaves them motivated only to watch TV and eat ice cream. It sounds as though you fall into the second camp--so give these jobs a wide berth. If your teaching work allows you the flexibility to write without draining your creative energy, then perhaps you can start thinking of it not as transitional employment but as a long-term accommodation to your goal of arranging your life around writing. Otherwise, you may wish to look for another type of work that will make it easier to write.

Second, try to start thinking of writing in terms of process, rather than product. Write about what interests you. Take risks. Assume that you will make mistakes, take wrong turns, and land on your face. All writers do.

Third, seek out instruction and company. Find a good writing class, either locally or online. An expert teacher can help you narrow down your choices and organize your ideas, and the requirement to produce  copy every week can prod you to overcome your hesitance and get to work. Classmates can inspire, encourage, and support you in this major change, too.

Finally, seek whatever level of help you find necessary. Your "fear of success" may dissipate as you become more comfortable in your new situation. If it doesn't, explore the chapter titled "Damned if We Do: The Perils of Artistic Success" in my book, Getting Unstuck without Coming Unglued. If you feel moved to, please write me again with your specific concerns about success. And if self-help books and electronic advice don't address your needs, consider finding a therapist with expertise in the creative process.

Above all, have patience with yourself. You have taken a huge, brave step. It's going to take your psyche a while to catch up. Give yourself all the tools you will need to make this work--after all this time, you deserve to do it right.

Susan O'Doherty, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist with a New York City-based practice. A fiction writer herself, she specializes in issues affecting writers and other creative artists. Her book,  Getting Unstuck Without Coming Unglued: A Woman's Guide to Unblocking Creativity, was published by Seal Press in June, 2007. Send your questions to her at Dr.Sue at mindspring dot com.

Comments

[T]

It also doesn't hurt to realize that the process takes a long time. Refining a piece of work until it's ready for publication, and then trying to actually get it published are things that rarely happen quickly. It can take years. So just writing what makes you happy and not worrying about the success of publication is a good way to proceed.

[dr.sue]

Very wise advice, T, thanks.

[Susanne Dunlap]

I would second T's comment. You may be ready to take the plunge, but as writers we all have to come to terms with the fact that the publishing industry is rarely ready to plunge with us-- even when we're fortunate enough to get book contracts. The process, the joy and wonder in the process of writing, has got to carry us through. Dr. Sue's advice is spot on. There's nothing like the moral support of other struggling writers to get one started.

[Katharine Weber]

Imagine if you had always wanted to ski. Finally, you have the equipment, you're fit and ready to do it, you've got access to a nice mountain with all sorts of runs. Would you be pressuring yourself to go out for the Olympic team, this first winter?

[Bobby Dylan]

The notion of "fear of success" is psychobabble...it is simply the good 'ol fear of failure in drag. For an in-depth column on exactly this topic at Backspace, entitled "No Success Like Failure," go here:

http://bksp.org/secondarypages/hendlin/006.htm

[dr.sue]

Interesting article, thanks, though I can't agree. There are often complex underpinnings to "fear of success." Some writers, for example, grew up with competitive parents or siblings, and there was a perceived price to pay for achievement--punishment, the threat of abandonment or loss of love. In other families or social groups there are proscriptions against not knowing one's "place." When these messages aren't overt (as often happens in families) we don't necessarily recognize them; we just know that the idea of being published, or going on Oprah (which women apparently don't need to worry about) makes us anxious. There are any number of situations that can engender conflict about "success," and that can hold us back if they're not recognized and addressed. It's possible to resolve these conflicts and move on, but not by dismissing them as "psychobabble."

[Bobby Dylan]

Dr. Sue, i think you are missing the point. It is not the "fear of success" that the competition is about between sibs or in families where the parents have set high expectations! Nor is it the "fear of success" that makes us afraid of going on Oprah or speaking on live radio. You are confusing the product that gets us to this position--writing a book that we are asked to promote--with the fear of presenting ourselves to the public and concluding we're afraid of "success." No, it just means we're afraid of not playing our role of presenting our material well in front of an audience--a rendition of "stage fright." We are more precisely afraid of having to deal with a number of situations that may accompany an accomplishment--this is just not the same as being afraid of success itself.

Anxiety to perform in front of others, to play our role well, is created by the fear of measuring up or FAILING in the role--conflict about how life will be different when we are presented with these opportunities to present ourselves and our work is NOT the same as "fear of success," it is just the label we put on it because we are not more precisely able to identify the underlying fear of failure.

Let's use the example that a child learns that if she does well and becomes a high-level skier, instead of the healthy praise and positive identification that parents might enjoy from her success, they instead are threatened by it and she "pays a price" by having to listen to their berating crap, as her high achievement makes her parents "look bad" in comparison. Even here, it is NOT the "fear of success" that she experiences--she loves the admiration of others and good feeling of having performed well and having attained status for her ability and achievement, at least from those friends, etc, who are able to show it. No, it is her fear of HER PARENT'S CRITICISM AND DISAPPROVAL that she fears, as a result of her acheivement. This is not the same as fear of succcess. I suggest it's just a lazy way of trying to identify the real fear.

I challenge you, Dr. Sue, to name one single "sitiuation that can engender conflict about success" that is not, when you peel away the layers of the psychological onion, at its core, more precisely a fear of failure or the inability to handle the fear of disapproval from others.

Unfortunately, it is far easier for us to tell ourselves the story that we are afraid of success than to admit that we are afraid of failure. I stand by my statement that the fear of success is just the fear of failure in semantic drag. And, further, that this concept is a product of pop-psychology.

[Katharine Weber]

Wow, Bobby Dylan, you sound just like a psychologist. Have you ever thought of writing an online advice column for writers? It sure does seem as if you wish you had one of your own.

[dr.sue]

So it's the label "fear of success" that bothers you, not the idea of underlying conflict? If that's all, why the patronizing lecture? Read my book--I object to the phrase, too, which is why I bracketed it with quotation marks in my post. If there's some deeper problem, please try to articulate it more clearly. I'm having trouble parsing "Anxiety to perform in front of others, to play our role well, is created by the fear of measuring up or FAILING in the role."

[Bobby Dylan]

articulate it more clearly? i'm sorry, that's about as clear as i can be...and sorry, don't have time to read self-help books--i'm just a rock and roll singer and a poet, i'm no shrink like you...but the first volume of my rambling Chronicles did sell well enough to make the NY Times best-seller list for awhile.

gotta go practice with the band...

(by the way--Be sure to see "I'm Not There"--the new movie about me and my music coming to a theater near you on Nov. 21!)

Bobby Dylan

[Susan O'Doherty]

Heh, Bobby, you're right; I should have realized that your "comment" was actually post-literate poetry. Once again, thanks for taking time out of your packed touring and recording schedule to share your wisdom.

[Katharine Weber]

Phew, what a relief to discover that Bobby is the real thing, and not some talentless psychologist trying to take down the competition or anything like that.

[Jennie]

This is getting weird.