The Doctor Is In

Every Friday I turn my blog into a couch and invite the doctor to offer up some writer's therapy. If you have questions for her, please write to: Dr.Sue at mindspring.com

Dear Dr. Sue:

Could you touch on the fear of success and how to keep it from holding you back? I find my mouth going dry and my stomach plummeting like an elevator with a snapped cable whenever I think about my work actually being published. It's a reaction I find puzzling and I think it's causing me to drag my feet on my writing.

Any thoughts?

M

Dear M:
In response to an earlier column, Jozef Imrich commented, “It is said that writers are people who, as children, did not receive sufficient rejection either from adults or peers and so are compelled to seek it relentlessly in later life.”

Jozef was going for a laugh, of course (and he definitely got one here in Brooklyn). In my experience, the opposite is true—many writers were virtually weaned on rejection. Even those of us who were raised in loving, supportive homes tended to feel that no one was sufficiently interested in listening to our stories. That is one reason why we needed to write them down and send them to strangers, in the hope that someone, somewhere, will care deeply about what we think, what we feel, and how we experience the world.

With this background, some of us can become too comfortable with rejection. Change is scary, and the prospect of success can be daunting.

But what exactly is success? And what would we lose by attaining it? The answers to these questions vary for each writer.
On the “Business Know-How” site, author Patricia Ann Jones writes evocatively about her personal struggle with fear of success:

"Becoming a successful novelist brings more limelight to a writer, than being a book critic or a journalist. It pushes one onto the world's stage. Lives change, forever. The spotlight blinds some to values once held. More money brings a power that has the ability to alter a cherished status quo. Privacy is lost. Once you've shown a successful face to the world, the world, expects more and more.
The chances of this happening are small, I know that. The fear, does not know. The fear eats at a fragile ego, warns that it could happen and that is all it takes to stop this writer dead in the creative waters.

Before we can overcome our fears, we must first identify them, as Jones does hers."

Find a quiet, comfortable corner, at a time when you’re not likely to be interrupted. Sit down with a pad and pencil. (Crayons are even better if they’re handy, but don’t make a Big Project of this—it’s a means to an end, not a procrastination tool.) Sit back and stare at the ceiling or an empty wall. Imagine a scene soon after your work is published—perhaps a publication party, or a reading, or just a quiet family dinner with your work the topic of discussion. You can scroll through several scenarios until you arrive at one that truly sets your heart racing and takes your breath away. Stick with that one. Visualize it as specifically and concretely as you can. Try to project your vision onto the wall or ceiling. Pay attention to the non-visual aspects as well—the taste of the wine at the party, the feedback of the mike and the sounds the audience makes as it quiets down for the reading, the aroma of food at the dinner table. Pay attention to what you’re wearing—the color and fabric, how it feels against your skin. Are your shoes comfortable?

Once you have fixed on a vision, try to draw it—with your non-dominant hand, if that doesn’t produce a completely undecipherable mess. Put in as many details as you can.
Then, while looking at the picture, write down all of your thoughts about the scene, as quickly as possible (again, with your non-dominant hand, if you can). Most likely, the positive associations will come first. Keep writing, and see what else comes up. Don’t suppress any thoughts because they sound silly or don’t make sense—this is what you’re looking for. Just keep going.
When you run dry, ask yourself the following questions, and write down the answers:
Who is unhappy about my success?
Who was I pleasing by my failure? How does s/he feel now? How do I feel about it?
Who was I punishing by my failure?
Who won’t love me anymore?
Now that I’ve done this, what’s next?

Put the page away for a few days. Then, again in your quiet corner, go over the list and highlight any odd or surprising responses. Write down your associations to these as well.
This exercise can bring to the forefront conflicts that we’re unaware of. A writer at one of my workshops, for example, wrote “S. pissed.” Following this thread, she realized that she had always been afraid to outdistance her competitive older sister. Another visualized her father’s happiness at her success—and felt dread. Her father had a history of taking over his daughter’s triumphs, leaving the writer feeling empty and unseen—the antithesis of her goal in writing. She realized she had learned to keep her level of accomplishment low as self-protection. A doctoral student in danger of not finishing his dissertation and thus forfeiting his career, came to the conclusion that his inability to progress, as painful as that was, protected him from having to deal with serious problems in his marriage that were bound to surface once his dissertation was accepted.

Often, simply identifying the root of a problem gives us insight into potential solutions. The doctoral student, for example, went into counseling with his wife. Separating his marital problems from the dissertation allowed him to move forward with the dissertation free of the mysterious feeling of impending doom that had haunted him when he thought about completing it.

At other times, awareness on its own isn’t that helpful. You may need to talk the situation through with a trusted friend or counselor, or simply force yourself to move forward, slowly, paying attention to whether the feared situation materializes, and weighing its costs and benefits.

As always, this advice is intended only to help you learn a little more about yourself and your process. If you hit a wall with the visualization exercises, or if the anxiety threatens to overwhelm you, talk to a professional.

Susan O’Doherty, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist with a New York City-based practice. A well-published author herself, she specializes in issues affecting writers. Send your questions to her at Dr.Sue at mindspring dot com.

Comments

[Leora Skolkin-Smith]

Another great column, Sue. I think it's interesting how this "fear of success" might connect with last week's discussion. That is, if I'm successful, will I be unseen (as it was true in childhood whenever I achieved)--why that silence from others becomes so powerful and hurtful-- why "success" is so threatening, a fear has become true in a way...

[Dr.Sue]

Leora, that's a great point. Thank you for making that connection.

[Barbara W. Klaser]

What a great article! I'm going to print this out and try it. I do have a problem with this, illustrated perfectly by a nonwriting example, when I wore a vest I'd knitted to a recent family holiday meal, and received lots of compliments. Did I enjoy it? No, I was miserable being the center of all that positive attention. I realized how absurd it was at the time, but there were those feelings. Good grief, I need to work on this. Thank you.

[Jozef Imrich]

Excellent exercise ... I peppered the other side of the paper with my favourite quotes

Indeed, Dr Sue hard core irony was intended when I referred to rejections as I was the youngest of six children in my family and my father came from a catholic size of 11, So oxygen was always limited during our meal times ;-P

To practice any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow. So do it.
- Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country

If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.
-Vincent Van Gogh

Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten.
-hugh, artist of the blogosphere

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure about you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-- Credited to: Nelson Mandela/Marianne Williamson

I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which came to me as blossom goes on as fruit.
-Dawna Markova

[katharine weber]

I think a lot of writers have a very uneasy relationship with success -- with actual success, but also with their desire for success, as if it is somehow unwriterly and unliterary to want the things that fall under the heading of success.

[Dr.Sue]

Barbara, thanks, that is a wonderfully clear illustration of this phenomenon.

Jozef, the Van Gogh quote brought tears to my eyes.

And, Katharine, great, related point. The "pure" artist isn't "supposed to" seek material success; it's considered crass and unworthy of the artist. Though how we're supposed to live on air is anyone's guess.

[Leora Skolkin-Smith]

Josef--I really LOVE the Mandela quote. . A few years ago someone sent me that and I thought it was just so powerful. Thanks.

[jozef Imrich]

Leora - - The great man has a huge sense of humour tooooo ;-P

In my country we go to prison first and then become President.
-Nelson Mandela

[Lauri]

Thanks for this column, I'm the poster child for fear of success - and it helped a lot!

- Lauri

[DementedMichelle]

Oh yes, that was awesome.

Thank you.

M

[Patricia Ann Jones]

I found the use of my own quote, "The Fear of Success," in this article appropriate and hope that it too helped others find their way through the maze of self-doubt.

I agree that an artist should not seek material wealth first or even public acclaim, however, that said, as one writer noted, we do have to support ourselves therefore need to be published. Dedication to craft is key. Never be daunted by rejection. Rejections are like rain, they pour down on you, but also acceptance will come if you strive to perfect your craft and do not become mired in the mud of self-doubt.