Jay Allen's Letter to Book Biz Santa

All this month I'm posting letters to Book Biz Santa from readers of this blog. If you have one, please email it to MJRoseAuthor@aol.com

Claus -

By now you've noticed your reindeer stables are a little less, how shall we say...glowy. Go on, take a peek. It should only take an instant to realize which one of your precious darlings is missing.

(Hint: he ain't out playing any reindeer games.)

What do I want? You guessed it: a publishing contract. This
write-revise-submit-despair-contemplate suicide-resubmit process?

Yeah, not doing it for me. Why should I work to establish a
name for myself, when some people can do it by spilling a little cleavage on company time? I want instant gratification, and I want it NOW.

AND NO TRICKS, FAT MAN! Hook me up with some second-rate backwater "book house" that does 80% of its business through spam emails and you'll get Rudy back in a Tupperware container with baby carrots and a delectable broth. I want a MEGA contract, you corpulent mammoth, one with a marketing budget and an editor who has Spielberg on speed-dial.

Oh, I know. How can I do this to you after the wonderful relationship we've had all these years? True, you always made sure the tree skirt was overflowing with presents, even during the lean times. And what presents they were! The weight bench and dumbbell set you gave me when I topped 180 lbs.? Beautiful idea, you stone-chucking hypocrite. And don't get me started on the underwear! I still have unopened Fruit of the Loom packages in my basement.

DO NOT CONTACT ME DIRECTLY. I'll be expecting a call from the (212) area code within five days. After that? This reindeer game goes into SUDDEN DEATH.

Yours in Christ,

Jay Allen, author of The Zero Boss: Confessions of a Reluctant (Unpublished) Father

Comments

[Lilly]

The process is brutal, in that endless loop on the highway of hell sort of way. But, Jay, how are you so sure Santa lives in Manhattan? Is the North Pole on display at the Smithsonian?

[The Zero Boss]

Naw, I know Santa lives at the North Pole, silly. But I know the agents live in Manhattan (or at least that's where they have their smack delivered).

[The Zero Boss]

Ack, I meant "publishers". I have an agent, whom I now have to call and convince that I'm NOT shopping around.

Damn Internet.