Wendy Walker’s Backstory

How an Opt-Out Mom Opted Back In as a Writer

      I remember the day I began writing with perfect clarity. Sitting in my makeshift office, there was a cup of coffee on the desk, a laptop open to a blank screen. From the window I could see my son with the sitter walking to the swing. Even now, I can feel the all-consuming guilt that held me captive as I watched him toddle hand-in-hand with someone else. A mother’s guilt is a powerful thing. What was wrong with me that after making this choice to be an “opt-out” mom I was trying to find a way to opt back in to something?

       The truth is, I had jumped at the chance to opt-out of my career as a lawyer and raise my kids. I did this in spite of four years at Brown, two years working on Wall Street, and three years of law school. The decision was surprisingly simple. I could use whatever talents I had helping corporate clients, or I could use them to nurture my own offspring. What did not occur to me was the fact that by leaving the life I had worked years to create, I was also leaving a piece of myself behind.

      As it turned out, I had joined masses of former-professional-women-turned-moms whose talents were now being directed at their children. My job was my child, my child was my life. The piece of me I had abandoned became fully embedded in this new job of mothering, and the drive for perfection began to overshadow the small moments of joy that all of this was for. I had become a case study from Betty Friedan’s epic work The Feminine Mystique, and I knew that it had to stop, that I needed an outlet that transcended fabric samples and lunch dates. I had never thought of being a writer. But this was the dream I discovered when I reached inside myself for something to save me from the trap of perfecting motherhood, and when I finally turned away from the window that day, I pursued it every chance I got.

      It was three in the morning when I devised the plot for Four Wives. Sitting in the dark while I nursed my third baby, I began to think about the raging debate over women opting out. I thought about Betty Friedan, the feminist movement, and the very different life I believed I would have through college and law school. And I wondered how much longer I could survive the physical exhaustion and mental starvation that filled my every day life.

      The baby stopped feeding and I draped him over my shoulder. I felt his breath on my neck, his body against mine. It seemed impossible to me that I could love my children so deeply and still be unfulfilled. That night, I knew I had to keep writing, and that this dilemma was what I needed to write about. I considered the issues that were swimming around in my head, issues that are shockingly common among women who opt-out to be stay home moms. Loss of self. Longing for the past. Marital malaise. Societal pressure to stay home that seems magnified in the suburbs. For the next few months, I had no time to write, so instead I thought. In the car, in the rocking chair, at the stove. I thought about these issues and constructed four characters around them.

In those months, my characters were born. Love, the former child prodigy whose career came to a shocking and devastating end and who now buries herself in the endless work of homemaking. Marie, the smart part-time lawyer who can’t seem to get with the program dictated by suburban culture. Gayle, the wealthy but docile wife to an abusive husband. And Janie, the perfect suburban housewife whose marriage is dead and now finds herself drawn into an unlikely affair.

      Through the bonds of friendship, which are formed among women who walk the same path, these four wives face very different struggles. And yet there is a common thread because their struggles have all resulted from the decisions they made years before about marriage, motherhood, and who they would be as women. I think all women face these decisions. I know I did. And I never could have foreseen the consequences, both good and bad.

       I wrote this novel about women who could easily walk among us. I wrote it for the women who walk with me along this path, and I hope they will find pieces of themselves within its pages.

      Building this dream of opting back in was not easy. Through guilt and doubt, it was built around everything that was in its way. It was built because beneath it was sheer need - the need to be seen, and heard, and valued in the world beyond my front door that so many stay-home mothers come to feel. I am no longer the perfect mommy. I never was. But I am a better mother because I have found a path back to myself.

Please visit Wendy Walker's website to learn more about her work.

Comments

[Mary]

Dear Wendy,
I just finished reading FOUR WIVES and wanted to let you know that I absolutely loved it! I am a full time mom and I work full time too. My kids are older now but when they were young I struggled with the whole juggling act. I was lucky enough to be able to be a stay at home mom when they were little for at least part of their young lives. I have seen and experienced both sides of the working vs. stay at home mom debate. I still struggle even though they are older and know I would drop everything if they ever needed me. That's what moms do! Fortunately, I have a husband who has been there right along with me for the past twenty-five years. He is my rock. I am also an avid reader and make time to read at night. Your book was such a great read that I couldn't put it down! These women were such a diverse group that I couldn't wait to find out what happened to each and every one of them! I was intrigued with the twist with the mystery man that Janie was having an affair with! Sadly, these things do happen in real life across all financial classes. Thanks for bringing all of their stories to life in such an entertaining way! I can't wait for your next book! When do you think it will be out and can you give your readers a glimpse of the storyline? I look forward to reading it!
Mary
Las Vegas, NV