M.J. Rose's Backstory

I've been running this group blog - or glog - for almost a year - but this is the first time I'm posting my own backstory. My 2004 novel, THE HALO EFFECT has just been released in mass market format, and so I'm stealing the spotlight for a few days. (And while you're here, watch the VIDLIT for THE HALO EFFECT.)

Dr Sex Will See You Now

I sat in the therapist's waiting room, magazine in hand, nervously turning pages but not reading a word. I had just come up with a great excuse to leave when the door opened and Dr. M. welcomed me and invited me into her office, the inner sanctum where we were going to discuss the one thing I didn't want to admit I needed to talk about with a professional: s-e-x.

Like most New York City therapist's offices that I'd seen -- and I'd seen a few -- this one had the ubiquitous leather couch, big comfy armchair for the doctor to sit in, a whole wall of books and some innocuous artwork. Nothing that announced that her specialty was sex therapy.

I took my place, sitting on the couch. Dr. M lowered herself into her chair. This was my first good look at her. And if you have any preconceived idea of what a sex therapist looks like, she didn't fit it. In her early sixties, with silver gray hair, she wore gray slacks, a white turtleneck sweater set and a strand of Barbara Bush pearls.

"It's nice to meet you," Dr. M began, "Can you tell me a little more than you said on the phone about why you're here?"

At some point in our lives, many of us find ourselves in a romantic relationship that doesn't work as well as it should at every level, yet something pulls at us to stay and try harder.

For me what wasn't working was the sexual component.

At first, I hadn't wanted to admit anything was seriously wrong in the relationship that time wouldn't fix. Then once I had no choice but to admit it needed help, I resisted the idea of examining my sex life under a microscope. The question I kept asking myself was: If I have to work this hard at sex, am I turning sex into work?

But wasn't it work just dealing with the problem on my own? Wasn't I obsessing over it, nervous about it and feeling like I was hiding some dirty little secret.

Okay. You want to know. I don't blame you. What was the issue I couldn't deal with? It's only fair that I come out with it. So despite my feeling that I am undressing in public, here goes.

Ten years ago, in between my ex-husband and my current live-in boyfriend, I entered into a dating situation with T, a talented man who I found attractive and interesting. But despite everything we had in common. T was addicted to porn and it was either watch a triple x-rated videos with him or nothing was going to happen.

Now, I'm no prude, but I couldn't respond to what T found erotic.

So first, T tried to cut back while I tired to be more open minded. But neither of us moved closer to a middle ground.

Finally, instead of just breaking up with him I asked him if we could go to therapy together. When he said he didn't want to, I decided to go alone.

According to several sex therapists I've now talked to, it is very common that the person who takes the step to go into therapy is not actually the one who can benefit from it the most. But one partner in therapy is still better than no one in therapy.

I'd been in garden-variety therapy three times previously but sex had never been an issue for me.

Now much to my surprise, I found I was embarrassed to talk about it. So much so that I lied in order to get recommendations for a sex therapist concocting a story that I needed to meet one because I was doing research for a novel in which the main character was sex therapist.

I kept up the charade with Dr. M for quite a few sessions. Instead of talking about T or myself, I made up a fictional character who was a sex therapist caught between wanting to help the police and at the same time honoring her commitment to her client's confidentiality.

Was I working on that book?

No. I hadn't even thought about doing a book like that. It was pure fiction to get me onto the couch.

Dr. M was no fool and used my fictional idea to get me to talk about the problems I was there to discuss.

"How do you feel when you are writing sex scenes? Are they based on what has happened to you or do you write about what you wished would happen to you? Do you write about sex that frightens you?"

Every question led to my coming up with more ideas about the imaginary book. And eventually Dr. M somehow helped me -- through all that fictional conversation -- to accept that it was ok if I never enjoyed watching porn and that T was never going to give up his addiction without getting help which he had no interest in pursing.

But equally important, as it turned out, was the character of Dr. Morgan Snow who came to life in Dr. M's office.

A thirty something sex therapist - Dr. Snow is much more interested helping her patients than herself. Caught up in a world where she sees everything from the abused to the depraved, from couples grappling with sexual boredom to twisted sociopaths with dark, erotic fetishes.

I didn't write THE HALO EFFECT right away. In fact it took 8 years before I was ready to work on it- and then in 2002 I started on the first in what has now become a series. (THE DELILAH COMPLEX will be release in Jan 06 and THE VENUS FIX in July 06). This past June THE HALO EFFECT was nominated for an Anthony Award.

And yes, I broke up with T. Luckily, since I'd only been with him for a relatively short time, I didn't have a long mourning period after I broke it off. Much more important was what I learned about the process itself and how it changed my attitude towards sex therapy.

If sex in a relationship isn't working going to a trained psychologist is making an good faith effort to learn about yourself and your partner: what your needs are, what you expect, what you can live with and what you can live without, what you want to give to someone else and what you don't.

And that working on sex does not mean you are turning sex in to work.

In her last book, Against Love, Laura Kipnis, says that there is a lot about how our society is so work oriented and so "fix it" oriented that we are doing damage to our sexual selves.

But I'm not sure she's right. A careful and sensitive therapist can help you look at this dance that humans do in a way that makes it more lovely without taking anything away from it's magical, life affirming potential.

My experience with Dr. M. didn't cheapen sex nor did sex therapy prove to be a quick superficial fix. I didn't take a pill and wake up the next day all better. It was instead, like most therapy is, a process. Sometimes complicated, some revelatory, sometimes breakthrough.

Before I went to the therapist, I was a little lost.

Dr. M. was the one with the map and the compass. During our time together she never gave me directions, but she showed me those tools and taught me how to use them.

The more we try to keep sex in the dark, the more secret we make it and the more likely we are to do damage to ourselves. As with many other things in life that we choose to hide under the covers, the worry itself can become a bigger problem than the issue.

And that's something I try to keep sight of as I write these psychological suspense novels featuring Dr. Morgan Snow's stories.

M.J. Rose is the author of five novels including THE HALO EFFECT and the proprietess of this blog and the blog, Buzz, Balls & Hype.

Comments

[Cathy]

I'd just started The Halo Effect tonight, when I was checking your blog and found this entry! Thanks for telling--this will make you're telling of the story all the more "real" for me!

[Tom Nixon]

I bow to the greatness of your Vidlit! I remember emailing about using vidlits some time ago. I'll be curious to see how effective it can be for your book. Either way, it's a wonderful piece of film!

[Tom Nixon]

I bow to the greatness of your Vidlit! I remember emailing about using vidlits some time ago. I'll be curious to see how effective it can be for your book. Either way, it's a wonderful piece of film!

[kitty]

LOVE the Vidlit, and now your backstory! Check my interview with you, which I'm posting tonight, for these latest links.

[Caroline Leavitt]

Great backstory! And the vidlit was just wonderful and eerie.

[Jozef Imrich]

A writer, like a sex therapist, is a dealer in hope ;-)

Another classic MJR

[Trace]

That book sounds fantastic. I'll have to pick it up. Thanks for the backstory. Very intresting.

[kitty]

Here's the URL to my interview with MJ Rose & her book:

http://myerskatt.blogspot.com/index.html#112049193216480386

[elsa]

Your VidLit is excellent - what a great idea. The Halo Effect sounds fascinating. Elsa

[Robert]

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